Who is this lady?
Good question.
When I became a teenager, my mom had this annoying thing she’d say whenever I was going to be out of her circle of control. Sometimes she’d say it just because, but mostly I remember she’d say it as I was walking out the door, hopping out of the car, or just as we were hanging up the phone.
“Remember who you are.”
It bugged me then and it bugs me now. But, I’ll admit that at times it has been a comfort. Why, I couldn’t begin to tell you. There are moments where I thought I understood the meaning behind it, but those moments are like a dream that only left a lingering feeling – the details are like ash on a grate.
But if you’re here, you’re curious. So, to put it simply, I’m an unwell woman in my infant crone era who recently took the terrifying option of short term disability from my stable and hard won (or more likely luck and sheer desperation on my part) tech job to sit with kidney cancer and heal. But it’s never that simple, now is it?
I am a grieving mother. We all are. I don’t care if you’re new and just dealing with your first bout of fever, diarrhea, and projectile vomit. My story is just a bit older than yours. You’ll find an ever evolving …now see. I want to say growth, but ew. You’ll see me change my mind. A lot. I’ll ponder my grief and analyze how it all went wrong. And it won’t just be the big grief. It will be all the small ones, too. The real ones. The ones that are the blocks that built the big ones.
I am unwell. I’ll write about my struggles physically and mentally with kidney cancer, melanoma, anxiety, some spectrum sprinkles for flavor, and my ever-changing philosophies that always tend to come right back to nihilism.
It’s unlikely I’ll write about politics or world events (read > suffering). I used to. I had a fairly significant blog on those things in my 30s, but, I mean, I just told you that I always come back to nihilism so the point is moo.
Some posts will be password protected because they’re intimate words to my dearest people and none of your business. I keep trying to write those. It’s proving pretty damn hard, so…
On my good days I will write about the good things. So far I haven’t been capable of feeling much, but I’m working on it and I’m hopeful the good things will come back again. I’m just numb. Part of this process is to try and break out of the gray and see color again, even if it’s red and painful. I don’t know what that will look like.
It’s unlikely you’ll find much drama. I know it sells. Emotion used to be my driving force. The bridges I burned lit the way, as they say. Hey, maybe if drama does find its way here, it means I’m actually feeling something again. I’d like to think I’ll have acquired the wisdom to walk more upright. While I may write things that make YOU react dramatically, you won’t get anything but Vulcanian back and you might find that a tab boring.
Melissa Logs In 