Category: kidney-cancer

Last night was bad.

I fell asleep around 9:30, which was a godsend. It’s not easy for me to fall asleep. The grip of anxiety that has held me hostage lately is so intense and inescapable. But, thanks to the best doctor in my world, I was able to find peace and rest in a new cocktail of the smallest dose of Lyrica (pregabalin) available and a muscle relaxer.

Don’t do this at home, kids. I’m under a doctor’s care and he’s not your average doctor, cause a PCP would never. He’s a palliative care doc and he’s a dream.

But, alas, as Diane Court said in her ultimate wisdom in Say Anything, “I have this theory of convergence, that good things always happen with bad things. I know you have to deal with them at the same time, but I just don’t know why they have to happen at the same time.”

I woke up often and in a fit. Intense pain in my chest and abdomen. I’ve always had a squirrelly stomach, but this was on a whole other level. Or maybe I’m just older and more whiny? ….No. It’s not that. Last night was bad.

It was almost like heartburn or reflux, but I’m well acquainted and it weren’t that. It was almost like IBS, but again – I know her well, even though she’s made up along with her sister Fibromyalgia, and it weren’t that, either. It was as if my sternum was being crushed by my own abdomen. I don’t know any other way to describe it. I woke up several times from a deep sleep and had to sit up and just cry. Had I not been so deeply asleep and so capable of going back to sleep, I may have considered the ED. If you didn’t know – that’s what it’s called now. It’s not the ER anymore. Just FYI. And I did consider it every time it woke me up, but I was too weak to wake John up and go through all the things, so I adjusted my body, let the flare ebb, and fell back asleep until it came to call again. Of note, while I wasn’t able to lay at all during the worst of it, I was aware that laying on either side seemed to initiate it.

This morning I woke pretty weak and sore from it, much like I used to when I’d had ‘IBS’ flares years ago, but absolutely different. I had responsibilities to tend to and half of them went undid, but I was able to get the bare minimum accomplished with my husband’s help. I did the thinking and he did the doing.

The thinking is a lot harder than it used to be, but I’m noticing it’s less chaotic on Lyrica. I am still slow and have to quintuple – check myself, but I’m not in those crazy anxiety loops that were going so fast I couldn’t even imagine getting off. I attribute it to the medication. I fought that one pretty hard. It’s not beloved anecdotally, at least on my algorithm >which I’d like to think I’ve curated better than most, even if they see me coming and just assume by the twang and my gender that I’m incapable of discernment< and the people prescribing it don’t seem to get that. But then I have to remember that the people who are doing well on it aren’t out here talking about it. They’re living their lives and all is well. All I know is I had one hellacious month and it’s calmed. It’s also eased some pain just enough to be noticeable.

I’m probably not going to report last night to my PCP or oncology team. I’ve learned that if it’s really something to report I may as well just go to the ED and if I am able to keep it in house, they don’t really need to know. I’m writing this so I have it to jot down in my iPhone notes. When I see oncology I can reference this to make them aware that it happened. They’ll shrug. And I’ll shrug. And life will go on.

Obviously, I’m worried, but thanks to the meds I’m not as worried as I would have been 3 or 4 weeks ago. Still, it’s notable. I’m adding it all up – the painful swallowing, the constant gnawing feeling in my guts, the feeling of something stuck in my throat, the flares of fierce pain out of, seemingly, nowhere. It has to be my pancreas, I think. Or maybe it’s as simple as an ulcer. But god – that pain is wicked and if I’m this wounded by a stupid ulcer….